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| 09:18am 29/03/2005 |
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mood:  drained
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friends only
comment and i will add you as a friend if i feel i should |
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| 10:07am 28/03/2005 |
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mood:  dont worry about it music: Woodwell by Saetia
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(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) madeout with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your friends
(x) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( ) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
(x) been moshing at a concert
( ) had real feelings for someone you knew only online
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
( ) ran a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced Linda's Birthday.
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
( ) touched a penis
( ) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed penis in public
(x) ate dog/cat food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more then 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
(x) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
(x) pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told your beautiful by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
(x) caught a fish then ate it
(x) watched porn
( ) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
( ) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
(x) slept naked
( ) French braided someone’s hair
( ) grown a beard |
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| 10:23am 21/03/2005 |
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mood:  tired music: Helena by The Misfits
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Well I changed my layout a bit. I haven’t decided if I want to keep the alexisonfire one or the atreyu one. Maybe look for a different one, not sure yet. I’m planning on this being my last week of HS. Then this weekend I’m going to taste of chaos which is going to be kick ass. Black, Scott and I area all going and I just got allowed to get paid on Friday instead of Monday. This week is going to be the best. Ill try to get some internet while I’m home but not sure, all the modems don’t work and it’s really bothering me. Might just ask my dad to buy me one. Last night I got a lot of music from Waylon. Mostly misfits but there was also some led zeppelin, deftones, as I lay dying, etc etc. don’t really have much to say other then that. I heard that heather and robin are also going to taste of chaos. I wonder if ill see them there. It would be nice I guess. I’m kind of over with all our past shit. She’s way too young for me anyways, her brain isn’t fully developed or something. I mostly want to see saosin and a static lullaby. I've been trying to get curry to go but I guess concerts aren’t his thing. I still think it would be fun; he had fun at the cky one. Oh well. Ill still have black and skinny with me. Going to be making a new website soon, whenever I have internet access so probably this weekend. Once I get back from my special pass, I get a week or so to find some interviews and apply for jobs. So I get ad-leave for two weeks around April 7th. Any job will do, I don’t care where it is. Wal-Mart, Safeway, fucking jack in the box. As long as it brings me some money for college and things I should be fine. Well I guess I'm done for now. |
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| 08:54am 16/03/2005 |
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mood: tired music: Mookies Last Christmas - Saosin
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honestly, could i feel protected with you suddenly gone? |
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| 09:34am 14/03/2005 |
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mood:  depressed music: Seven Years - Saosin
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Finally in high school again. Workforce Prep sucked hella boring. I got a good date to leave. April 7th. I get two weeks ad-leave then I come back for graduation. But in order for me to have ad-leave I have to have three arranged interviews of some sort. So I'm going to try to get two job interviews and a college interview of some sort. Shouldn’t be that hard. I have a few weeks to find them. I have to find someone with money to buy the taste of chaos tickets. Well I have the money but I don’t have the debit card or credit card. I’m tired of Adam, always treating me like shit. Always talking shit but never proves he is better. At least I’m smarter then that dumbass.
I really miss Rachel. Hasn’t responded to my emails or anything. I don’t want to annoy her anything so kind of just stopped. Makes me really worried because I know how she can be but I hope she doesn’t make me break my promise to her. I owe her my life. I’m basically relaxing in class right now; I haven’t really been working hard. I have about 3 weeks to do my work so I’m not going to stress out over it. I don’t really have much to say. I tried to cut myself with some kind of sharp object, didn’t work that well but it felt so good. Not really visible since it didn’t cut me as well as I would’ve liked it too, kind of hurts but that’s all I asked for. I guess I’m done for now. I haven’t really updated this in this for awhile. Not in depth at least. Sorry. Bye.
<3 for something I will never have. |
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| 07:27pm 09/03/2005 |
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mood:  disappointed music: pulmonary archery - alexisonfire
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I fucking miss Rachel. |
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| 05:12pm 23/02/2005 |
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mood:  pessimistic
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From the Firmament
Short Story by Ryan
“We’ve fallen on a day’s time has forgotten.” Leigh said in the vivid sunlight. Forgetting those words was like a .44 caliber bullet lodged in my head, where the answers should be. I decided to lay in my guilt and stare up at the unadorned ceiling. I could try to remember last night; all I could remember was lost gray pictures of my past. I imagine myself on a rope, for at the end of this long rope I hang in wait of fading echoes. Uncertainty haunts my everything, I look into tomorrow and I see nothing, but as I look back into yesterday, all I could see were her iniquity eyes. As I sit up I feel guilt press down on my chest, where my heart should have been, forcing me to reconsider. I would die for yesterday, not caring where I need to go. Wishing I could recall all that I betrayed. Tomorrow is so far that I no longer want to find a replacement for all these pictures that I have lost in my mind. Forming these pictures in sand castle plots and plans, some kind of foretelling of yester eve.
“Year by year we separate further, since when did ‘we’ begin?” she once asked me. I could live in the split second of remembrance of our past or live seconds at a time in the present. Was this all just my imagination? “Connections are never easy” she said as I shift my attention to her lucid beauty. “Empty words,” I responded. “I draw pictures of us, yet out of this world I absorb life from portraits. My heart whispers in forms that twenty years of reason and recognition have rendered useless. Betraying love, what happened to our forever?” I questioned. “This is a .44 caliber love letter straight from my heart,” putting all of my energy into the trigger as if I was choking on motions that lead to said misfortunes. My eyes were soon covered in darkness, to only awake in a world you’ve always denied me of.
That was the last thing I saw, looking into her eyes before guilt turned her icy blue eyes into stone; “In hopes of a better past time,” scribbled upon stone lying in the ground like a forgotten sonnet. It was once said that it is better to be stepped on than left all alone…So now I choke on yesterday when I was someone and I wonder where “forever” went and how our “everything” came undone. Once again, I opened my eyes and the heaven beneath me died. Because it cuts me so deep to see myself wishing upon melting stars. Beneath my heartache I have made a promise to never let you forget, painted images forever in your thoughts. I see only black and white, you see only gray.
I shift to the side of my mattress. Letting my feet rest upon the wooden floor. I am forgetting typewriter handwriting, and how to embrace in a storm of haloes. To watch the floor melt, to know I melt with it. Closed eyes painting vivid pictures of undying thoughts. I secretly open one eye, and watched her move beyond my horizon. Secrets tend to tell themselves, I find. Clandestine heartaches buried years deep in stagnant days. Writing lullabies across the moon. I have rescued dreams dying on yesterday’s embers, fashioning flowers from fancy. Gazing at my angels through the eyes of a second.
I awake to find myself lying in a hospital bed. She embraces me, was this all a dream? “We will always be star-crossed lovers,” Leigh said. I comprehend a smile and I forget the lazy days of daydream departure to faraway laughs I’ve never heard. Forgetting the bells tolling an hour of redemption, a minute of fancy I’ve never been given. “As long as we remain abreast of one another we will never meet each other, as long as we whisper to one another we never fully hear each other, as long as my eyelids are weighed down by desire and one dying wish, I will never know when you appear,” I said. If only she could hear what I have seen aeons before this zero, we would’ve never felt our wings melting.
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Wrote this in highschool. I have a very important email to send to someone but forgot to bring it with me. Oh, the feeling of giving up is so releasing. |
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| 03:52am 19/02/2005 |
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mood: drained music: HIM - The Sacrament
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im done having tricks and games played on me behind my back. its so tiring having to deal wtith this all. i gave a good fight, it felt good knowing i had something to fight for too but after questioning things enough to find the ansers for myself, it revealed itself to me. let her have her way, obvisouly she cant be truthful with anyone, obvisouly im not the one for her. if i was then why is this happening? i was really wishing all of this would work out, but my body, mind, spirit cant take this anymore. im worn down and i havent had anyone help me in rebuilding for so long that its made me realize that im fine this way, it will make me stronger anyways right? better then being stepped on and then being left all alone. i really liked her and wish thing went truthfully. this is just a circle, it wont ever end. lets see how this effects the motion. |
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| 08:09am 18/02/2005 |
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wasnt able to buy my ticket yesterday, the computer froze everytime it was about to print one so they are going to take me out of trade sometime today to buy one. i still feel a little insecure, felt so drained lately. so sluggish."so arch your back, flip your hair, make eye contact. you know i care." listened to from autumn to ashes all night and all this morning so i have songs stuck in my head. cant wait to get home, being able to sleep whenever and how long i want is just so orgasmic. ill be on dial up but thats not a big deal, im not going to be downloading anything important or playing any online games. just going to bring my xbox and play some halo 2 all weekend and have black and scott get me some games. i also have to wait to mail christine's letter until i get home because i have no stamps and no money to buy any. so that kind of blows. well i dont have that much planned for this weekend. just want to see my friends and hang out with them. eat some good food. even if its just hot pockets or real ceral. i miss my room and bed most of all, going to bring back my shitty blue blanket and bring my new blanket thats at home. its exciting, i havent been home in a month or so. i love it there so much. and in no time ill have my licescense, which is going to be cool. i just have to learn to use a cluitch and all that bullshit. diriving isnt as hard as i thought. next pay check im going to start saving up for taste of chaos wich is next momnth and its going to cost me some money because for some reason they are getting more expensive, probably because im buying themoff the intenret or something, i dont know., the price of two costs 80 dollars for some reason. when the tickets cost 27 dollars initally. maybe i ddid something wrong, oh well. im going to save uop, going to ask josh if he wants me to buy him a ticket. class is prettty boring though, im done wwith everything, the only thing i have to do is work with someone who isnt even here and the instructor has surflock on so i cant browse the internet so its pretty boring. i just sit here and stare out the damned window and then write or type in notepad then update my livejournal when its break.i wish i knew what was going on, being here is limiting my access to information that i could noramally get with ease. some of it includes christine, some of it includes other people. im tired of being behind this curtain, no one realizes how hard it is. i wish someone could explain everything that going on. she has the option of breaking more then one persons heart. she has something to go to if something doesnt work out, i dont. it alll seems unblanaced, i feel like a project, something to test theories on and if it doesnt work, have a conflict then act as if nothing happened and pretend it was made better because of the mistake and thenjust make another one later on to see if it effects me the same tway. its tiring, but i keep falling into the circulair parade and cant seem to get away, in fear of being alone. oh well, let her have her fun, ill let her pin me down and let her examine me all she wants. im done writing this for now. |
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| 02:03pm 16/02/2005 |
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feels like everything is being hidden from me, like i cant trust anyone. |
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| 09:32am 16/02/2005 |
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i didnt update yeserday, wrote something but i never updated with it so i keep forgetting that christine is two hours ahead of me so i keep trying to call at like 9 and then i remember its 11 there so i stop. ill call earlier this tim. going home on friday and going to be there until monday evening which is cool.talked to josh for awhile yesterday on AIM, not much going on there i guess. cant wait to get home, ill have 56k but oh well. i have to find a 56k modem from someone anyways. its fine for me to talk to people, ill order cable when i graduate. wearing a dressshirt and tie again, going to be wearing it home too so i can show people. yesterday kind of sucked, march 15th always sucks. wont ever forget that day. have to restart the coomputer. okay. well i miss a lot of things. mostly josha and christine. talked to her awhile the other day on msn. |
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| 05:19pm 15/02/2005 |
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music: alexisonfire - happiness by the kilowatts
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fuck
asdasdlkmalkmalagagsdgdafgsggagasgasdgsadg |
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| 02:26pm 03/02/2005 |
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im going to write this to just past time, it probably wont work, maybe only 10 or 20 mionutes at the mosti decided to stop working this week. my motivation went to complete shit. i accidentally cut myself and it kinda stings owfeels kinda good. josh leaves tomorrow, with him goes my only person to actually speak to person to personso hopefully i can live with that. going to cost some money to take my A+ test, around 145 dollars each test and theres 3.times like these makes me favor all of my friends and especially christine. it helps knowing shes there during these shitty days. i decided to not enroll into college until summer or fall, gives me some time to get steadyed out and have a job and things. also gives me time to do the things i planned to do. i think im going to write stuff. ill write more of this later |
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| 09:53am 03/02/2005 |
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well right as of now, im wearing a tie and a
dress sirt and nice pants and really comfy
socks. and then i have my grungy hair and burger
king watch and ragged shoes. its awesome. my
instructor just told me that im 48% complete
in the trade. which is hard to believe since i
have no more work to do but its just "small"
things, not my fault he decided to skip a
shitload of things. i have to take a grammar
test. also have to start looking up jobs and colleges sometime today. note to self: fake it. so far its been kind of quiet in the class room. i
think im going to present my final project
today. everything between christine and i are
good again, i wrote her a lengthyish email which
made her happy and made me happy at the same
time. everything should be fine from now on. i
dont have to worry anymore. i love that girl.
last night my sleeping pills kind of work half
way but my body fought it for some reason. my
brain was exhausted, i couldnt even get up but
my body kept moving around and i just couldnt
sleep. ill wrote more later. |
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| 10:04am 02/02/2005 |
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mood: tired
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Well josh and I talked mostly all night, well for about 5 hours or so. Talked about our future like always which really clears my head. I came to conclusions that I've been waiting to have. Most of them are good some could be potentially bad and a mistake, but it’s my choice. I’m giving myself 6 moths, the only person that actually knows what I’m speaking is josh but I will tell some select people. In the end I’m going to end up with the person that I should be with. I’ve given up on heather; she’s turning into another robin. All about fashion and looks. Kind of retarded and she isn’t herself anymore. I hate fake people. Ill sit back and watch her die slowly, and I won’t cry, she never loved me anyway. Probably going to live in a mobile home and go to a college somewhere close by. I like living in a small place anyways, mobile homes are perfect. no matter how much money I have, id be the happiest in a mobile home or small apartment/house I also started taking medication for sleeping, I took 6 last night and 4 this morning at like 3:30 am because I needed to sleep more but then I had to wake up so I’m kind of exhausted and shit. I hope josh and heather stay together, josh is always questioning himself about commitment but its either comment to that or being alone, because I don’t think there is anyone better for him as of now. Anyways I'm done writing for now; ill write some later maybe. |
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| 02:06pm 01/02/2005 |
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mood:  awake
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Neon hearts, placid wings.
Tell the angles its okay to fly,
Static headshots all fall.
Dead in your eyes, misspellings of the past
Forgetting not to be forgotten marches, countering the spear of significance.
When it all ends,
Don’t hold this against me.
Outlined pencils and upside down watches,
Betrayed stencils turn sand into undetermined hostages.
Slipping through our hands, pacing one of a thousand, holding us against the window.
Pulling off my wings and pinning me under glass until the end of time.
Unpoetic thoughts of an undying atheist.
Letting all the lies to never forget you
But I took a vow to never forget you, but you’re still given away.
All the sounds that pass right by you,
But you never stopped for a brief moment to realize
Where am I?
Since when did this begin?
Automatic society turned you into bliss.
When the truth comes down hard, it doesn’t open its eyes for a second.
"Love is blind,"
If love is blind so are my bullets.
Graved into my back,
From bearing your cross for one day.
Words spoken so softly they cause bliss tearing eyes.
Nail my hands against this, stand back and let it fall.
Cry as you see me stand, blinded by your equality.
The address of no return cuts deep into my veins, paper cuts and stolen lights.
What is there to live for?
I suck at writing. And I never title them either. Copyrighted and things too. |
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| 04:44pm 28/01/2005 |
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mood: tired
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well im here sitting in highschool doing pretty much nothing. i have about 4 credits left, kind of worried about me leaving in march, not sure if i can do it. lately there hasnt b een much motivation either. theres not much for me to go home to besides my friends. but i t seems like its not that motivational. i guess ill just aim for a credit a week and ill get out on time. i already got ttthree this week. im basically done in CISCO, i dont need any certifications right now. i might go for my A+ once im out of here though. also, i have been so exhausted lately. running off of 3 hours a night, and i have a feeling that it is going to eventualy catch up with me and im just going to pass out. i hate having to fight my eyes open every second im awake, it blows. i got another letter from christineand im going to respond to it once i find the time and energy to ctually do anything. sometime tomorrow illl post the pictures i edited of ashley, i liked them and all of my room mates liked them so it should be okay. theres a new girl that reminds me of somebody from back home. i dont remember her name because when i was introduced i was in the middle of halo 2 which probably made me look like an asshole but halo 2i s the only big source of entertainment here, its quite oathetic. but basically im getting pretty sick of my life here, its constantly the same. there is no originality at all. i wish someone told mesomething that is worth fighting for. anything. a lie would do. my eyes burn from these tears, you think youll learn over these years, good things wont last forever. so what the hell am i supposed to do? i ended up giving it all away to you, but you had it all anyway. so take everything, and leave me scarmballing. and i bet youve got every word i said memorized in your head. and you will use every one of them against me. so josh is leaving the 4th of feb, conragts. hopefully he stops smoking, dumb dick. hopefully after writing all this ill feel more motivated or something, i feel alittle motivation, not enough for me to write an answer down. yeah, i couldnt remember a tiome where my life was any worse now. i feel so pathetic, alone, paranoid. i really am becoming paranoid. whenever im laying in bed i never feel comfortable with the people around me, every little move i feel i i have to look to make sure no ones going to attack me or something. and theres nothing i can do about it.i miss myself and happy iuseed to be, how secure i felt. this place really tears you down. and you know that its hard to think back and ask yourself what might be different if you did soemthing differently, and there are a lot of things that i couldve done differently, a lot. i cant esxpect her to to stay to spend forever with mje.,i live for that single moment...im so tired of apologizing to myself for and im still trying to forgive myself for caring about her. mathcbook romance. i started writing this yesterday, a lot has happened since then, i guess.been working on political science all day, it isnt that hard but its more fun then any of the other things i have t work on. still pretty tired but this weeksend shouldnt be that bad the two loudest people in my room are leaving for the weekend so ill get to relax and such. probably write a few letters and work on my website a little. i havent said anything about my birthday, it wsa quite intereesting, ill list some things
got mylearners permit (even though i turned 18 that day, no need for it now.)
i had a lot of good 18 year old firsts. the funniest was when i was caught doing something in the mens bathroom by a 70 year old man, i couldnt think of a better thing then that. it was pretty funy afterwards, no none understood why i was laughing so hard afterwards. i still havent even gave heather her happy chirstmas yet, i still have it. ill send it sometime, i want to write a good letter and maybe burn her a CD. also, some other unimportant news is that i got a new room leader and hopefully he keeps it more calm and quiets down a little. . oh well.
i was thinking last night afwhile i was walking around last night. i guess i can et used to hearing only my footsteps walking my way and get used to the ones walking past me. i can get used to only hearing my breaths and the ones sighing around me. i can get used to seeing the things only i see, and having no one to share it with. and i guess i can get used to hearing the only voice i can speak and listen to the ones fade in and out around me. you get used to the sky fading in and out of darkness, get used to the wind blowing, which only seems one driection. yourim too involved to notice. its all temporary, i have my escapes and my downfalls.
also i thought of christine this morning, and what the future would be like with her. i have been thinking alot because i hardly talk to anyone, i dont spend that much time around my friends here. i dont think its going to change that much when i get homebut im going to now and ill write more in the dorm. (sorry for the misspellings again.) |
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| 01:59pm 21/01/2005 |
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mood: exhausted
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well its almost 2ish and i decided to update again. we are watching big fish and its scratched to all hell and when i was out "driving" i started thinking of something. i might not be as fashionable, cool, good looking, or whatever attracts females but i know i have something about me that somehow makes it all workouti wish some people could see that, but whatever works for them. i go back to education next week and thats a lot of fun, not really but i have to get my diploma. still trying for march or april once trade is over im going to go watch boondock saints with my friends portable dvd player and just relax all day. i think im done for now, im tired as hell right now so i cant eally say much or think of much. |
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| 12:00pm 21/01/2005 |
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mood:  ecstatic music: matchbook romance
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WOOOOOOOOOOOO!
i dont know, its friday?!
67% on my drivers test thing
got my computer stuff
miss heather<3!
thats about it for now, ill update at 2ish! |
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forgottensaetia's journal
